a memory

changed by time

never to be the same

infinite numbers of realities

they are real

because

they are believed to be so

What did I do?

What did I do before I had a dog. I can't imagine life without her now that she is here. Here cuddles at night,her excitement whenever I return from an absence,her pickyness,and her gaze. Her little alligator snaps when she wants me to play,flying leaps after frisbees,finding sticks on hikes,chasing squirrels,playing with kitty and other puppies. Her barks when we run,her excitement when I pull my bike out. The way she scratches to try and delay having to follow an order. Punk. She is a good dog. :)

You

you would put me in a cage

and you would put me on a pedestal

you would tie me down

you would lie me down

all this would make me the monster you know?
I will rip the cage apart,fly from the pedestal,
rip through cord and rope,fight you to the ground

the only binding that holds
are those,self imposed

Smoking

There is a part of me that wishes I was a smoker. The movements and act of smoking always seem to have the potential for such elegance and sophistication. Though, my lungs are probably very grateful that I am not a smoker. Perhaps it is the Hollywoodization of the cigarette, perhaps the prevalence of those who smoke, but it really does seem glamorous and beautiful. Not to mention the cool designs that arise out of the smoke itself. I love smoke.
But alas, I cough and feel super awkward when I smoke. Boo. Again, my lungs are probably happier this way...


IMAGE

Mysterious

is it so mysterious?

how just seeing your car,

knowing I will see you today

makes all the difference

is it the pixie dust that makes me fly?

no, just mysterious.

Trauma

A classroom waits. They have just seen a number of random items, and have listened to stories. A typical "show and tell." I walk in, in a costume, and suddenly begin feeling absolutely self conscious. I introduce myself, and share that my show and tell will be an improvised dance.

You can do this, you have done it a thousand times in your room...

I nod to the teacher to press play on the music, and start moving. Small movements at first and then bigger, and bigger, and then, my mind goes blank. My body stops moving. I stand there, feeling so embarrassed and small.

Do something...

"Um... I think I am done..."

The teacher presses stop. The silence is to much. I run from the room, into the nearest restroom, and cry. I never want to leave. I can't dance. All of this time, I thought, maybe I could. Well, better to know the truth, right?

I hear the door open, and high heels click against the tile.

She's here...

She calls my name, and asks if I am alright. I am silent. After some time, she invites me to come back to class whenever I am ready, and leaves.

I eventually go back, facing the harsh judgment of my peers and the harsher judgment being inflicted by my mind.

Time heals wounds. This was a long time ago. I danced again. Many times. And I am pretty good at it. Not the best. But not the worst.

Conversations

"Text me all day!"

Muttered by one girl to anther. I am perplexed by this statement, but was perplexed by the interaction in general. Artificial, selfish friends who connect with you at their convenience, as long as you are inflating their image and ego.

But we all do this. We want to know people who will make us well known. Who make us in turn more worthwhile to know.

And those who do not add to our weight in this world, we greet with false sincerity, and praise them falsely. We rejoice whe the time for necessary nicities are over, when artificial pleasantries can be halted.

Text me all day. So I am not bored. So I can have something to do. Someone to talk to. Because I can text you as I secretly imagine how I can slap your face mentally. Text me all day so I can find comfort in being a good friend, when all that I care for will never include you. But, the pretense of genuine affection must be maintained. Otherwise, I am the one losing face, and that just will not do!

Text me all day.

Or better yet, don't text at all.

You go your way, I'll go mine.

And we will be all the happier for it.

Both finding what we want and need.

I hate phones. And texting. And things that seem so obviously toxic to me, but are not so apparent to the people involved.

the inflation and deflation of dreams

an entire lifetime lived in a moment

it was happy
we were not

Working Through

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and swing...

Today, I wished I was a fruit fly. I saw one hovering, and was instantly envious. What a life, to float around, seeking sweet and sour smells. Being too small to be bothered much, and not often thought of with the negativity associated with other critters. Less ability for thought. Less experiences that make one feel sorrow, loss, frustration. But also, no potential for bliss, joy, laughter... right now, it seems worth it... just to not have the human experience of pain and disappointment. Well, one moment at a time. 

So, I came across this... and thought it was... entertaining to read:

I have been trying to focus as of late on the idea/truth that: If you can't find something, you're trying to hard.

I need to relax, and enjoy the journey more. Stop searching so hard for things I think I need and want, and welcome things as they come to me.


Also, I love Emma Thompson. She said: "I don't want [women] ever to think they have it all. I think that's a revolting concept. It's so false! Sometimes you'll have some things, and sometimes you'll have other things. And you do not need it all at once; it's not good for you."

eye color
quote retrieved from here

Om

I came across this cool yoga poster, and thought I would pass it on (Link to bigger version: here). :) Happy Saturday!

Gleeming

So, I am going to stop blogging on a blog I have had for 3 years, for various reasons. As I was gleaning through the meandering posts from that blog, I found something I would like to publish to this blog. 


You can make your own Jackson Pollock art!


Also, a few books that I reviewed, that I would still recommend others read: "The Elegance of the Hedgehog," by Muriel Barbery; "Born to Run," by Christopher McDougall; and "A New Earth," by Eckhart Tolle. 


Some movies: "The Royal Tenenbaums," "Son of Rambow," "Hanna" and "Source Code."


A POEM

The desires of the heart are as crooked as corkscrews

Not to be born is the best for man

The second best is a formal order

The dance’s pattern, dance while you can.

Dance, dance, for the figure is easy

The tune is catching and will not stop

Dance till the stars come down with the rafters

Dance, dance, dance till you drop.

–W.H. Auden, “Death’s Echo”

And some quotes: 
"For happiness, how little suffices happiness!... the least thing precisely, the gentlest thing, the lightest thing, a lizard's rustling, a breath, a wisk, an eye glance--little maketh up the best happiness. Be still."Friedrich Nietzsche


“What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the print I have read in my life.”
— Walt Whitman


"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." -- Friedrich Nietzsche


The highest form of bliss is living with a certain degree of folly.~Erasmus

It's never too late to be what you might have been.~George Elliot

"When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships."-- Andy Warhol


"What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? Here is the key to your earthly pursuits.” — Carl Jung


Ezra Pound: 

VORTEX.

POUND.

The vortex is the point of maximum energy,

It represents, in mechanics, the greatest efficiency.

We use the words "greatest efficiency" in the precise sense-- as they would be used in a text book of MECHANICS.

You may think of man as that toward which perception moves. You may think of him as the TOY of circumstance, as the plastic substance RECEIVING impressions.

OR you may think of him as DIRECTING a certain fluid force against circumstance, as CONCEIVING instead of merely observing and reflecting.

THE PRIMARY PIGMENT.

The vorticist relies on this alone; on the primary pigment of his art, nothing else.

Every conception, ever emotion presents itself to the vivid consciousness in some primary form.

It is the picture that means a hundred poems, the music that means a hundred pictures, the most highly energized statement, the statement that has not yet SPENT itself in expression, but which is the most capable of expressing.

THE TURBINE.

All experience rushes into this vortex. All the energized past, all the past that is living and worth to live. All MOMENTUM, which is the past bearing upon us, RACE, RACE-MEMORY, instinct charging the PLACID, NON-ENERGIZED FUTURE.

the DESIGN of the future in the grip of the human vortex. All the past that is vital, all the past that is capable of living into the future, is pregnant in the vortex, NOW.

A song

I am not feeling very chatty today. Here is a link to song I like to sing along to.

Confession

So, there is this weird thing I do. When I am in public restrooms, and often at friends' homes, I will urinate in the toilet and not flush it. I have a lot of weird ideas about wasting water, or something. At my old house, we had a saying: "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down;if its red flush that shit." So, yeah. I think it is really strange that I do this, but I will throw toilet paper in the trash, or if there is a sink nearby, abstain from using paper products at all (washing thoroughly afterwards, of course). Anyways, I feel like it is strange, but I do it just the same.

image

Korean Dramas

So, a friend was telling me about Korean Dramas, and how she was addicted to them. I have never heard them. I may check them out, when I have projects to work on. I found this site that suggests the "top 5."

Musings

Lately I have been coming back to the thought of "always do your best." Sometimes your best is all that and a ten dollar bill. Sometimes it is hardly adequate. But giving the most I have to offer in that moment, or for that day and not beating myself up when I slack or slide. Trying to let go of thoughts such as "I should be doing this or that." To ask myself, what can I do. This applies to goals that I have. Sometime I can cross them off, and sometimes I can't or don't for one reason or another. I have also been thinking a lot about the idea of accepting, and how it really can be one of the most powerful ways to interact with the world. Do you best, just for now, and accept that your best will change from moment to moment, and that is alright. Accept that you cannot control or change anything external to yourself. You cannot will something to be, especially when the agency of another is involved.

[Don't remember where I took this image, sorry]

I love walking barefoot

textures of the ground

telling me their stories

oozing mud, so, so divine

sand, sending me to a world without time

rock to keep me safe and humble

cold water to shock me

warm water to calm me

sensory input

a connection to the earth

thank you, thank you, thank you

image

Advice

So, worrying, and talking to a friend the other day, he gave me his only rule to the dating game: have fun. If you are not having fun, you are doing it wrong.

I worry too much. I stress, and daydream. I want things to move fast. I want guarantees. I want validation. I want to do and say the right thing. I am doing it wrong.

Have fun. If you are having fun, you are doing it right.

I like fun. Time to start having more of it.

image

Chakras

If there is any theme, concept or "thing" that seems to always be popping up in my life, it is the chakra system. I found this amazing image on the prAna blog.

Screening

So, I was thinking today about a character in a movie, and her process of screening potential partners. She would approach them and ask: Are you single? Are you gay? Are you working? Then she would kiss them. No small talk, no asking a million questions, not months and months of "getting to know each other," and then months and months of "really getting to know each other." The important questions asked, the chemistry experienced, and a yes or no within a few seconds of meeting someone. [Lisa Kudrow, in "P.S. I Love You," playing "Denise"]

I recently heard about a friend of a friend (no, really, my friend knows this person), who joined an online dating website, where potential "matches" were created by filling out questionnaires. One of her questions was "Are you sexist?" If the boy answered "no," he was not even considered, if he answered "yes," he was.

With this friend we also talked about hearing stories about companies who would ask in their job applications, "Are you honest?" And if you say "yes," you they won't hire you. Or similar things.

I was thinking today that I kind of like this. This process is potentially is limiting, but it can also potentially cut  a lot of bullshit out of relationships.

What would my screening process be though. That is the question. What is "most important" for me to know when interacting with potential partners?

image

A New Earth

This was my second reading of this book. My impressions upon finishing it again was that this book has some incredible treasures contained in it, and I absorbed only a handful. I am left with the desire to buy the book on tape and just listen to it over and over again. Even if you are not a spiritual person, this book can change your life, the way you live and experience this life. It offers wise advice, in an easy to read format. However, it is also an intelligent read. I was a little demotivated to read the book because it has been such a widely promoted book, but the promotion and praise, I believe is justified. This also has the potential to lead the reader down countless other trails that lead to further growth and build the awaking movement that needs to happen. I think, perhaps, this book will be one of my favorites when I finally "get it."

Air

So, my newest favorite song is by a band called Air. Curious to know more, searched wikipedia, and pandoras profiles on the band. The are French, from Versailles. The duo, Nicolas Godin and Jean-Benoit Dunckel, met in college. 

I enjoyed knowing the story of their name. It is a backronym, Amor, Imagination, Reve, in English: Love, Imagination and Dream.

I love the stream of thought my mind follows with those words. Love, the overused word that still has such powerful meaning connected to it. It is the great healer, the anecdote of fear, and the key which opens so many doors. Leading to imagination, and the love that blooms from creativity, and exploring possibilities. At first I had a hiccup into dream, but, then thought: dreams are where your imaginings can be real, they can be lived and experienced. I like it. Love, Imagination, Dream. Air. Listen. :)

Also, I happened to read this in "A New Earth" about dreams and the dreamer. About how something in dreams must be real. How this life could be looked back upon, and perhaps questioned, "was it all just a dream."

"There is  the dream, and there is the dreamer of the dream. The dream is a short lived play of forms. It is the world--relatively, but not absolutely real. Then there is the dreamer, the absolute reality in which the forms come and go. The dreamer is not the person. The person is part of the dream. The dreamer is the substratum in which the dream appears, that which makes the dream possible. It is the absolute behind the relative, the timeless behind time, the consciousness in and behind form. The dreamer is consciousness itself--who you are.

To awaken from the dream is our purpose now. When we are awake within the dream, the ego-created earth-drama comes to an end and a more benign and wondrous dream arises..."

sources: 1, 2, 3 (pgs 208-210)

The Smell of Your Skin

I dream of the moment 
I noticed
the smell of your skin


wild
earthy
like sage
dust
sweat
rocks
vitality
everything


you woke me up


I close my eyes and drink you in
please 
time 
freeze
I want to stay here
breathe here
be here


memories are jaded
by the way you smell now
what happened
to the smell of your skin?




image

Influences

When I was a little girl I had a number of heros; people as well as fictional characters whom I admired and aspired to be like. It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that one of these characters, who I continue to admire and aspire to be like is Anne. You know, of Green Gables. The character who epitomizes Anne for me is Megan Follows in the series produced by CBC. Though fictional, she is real to so many people, and a bosom buddy to me.

I love Anne's spunk, her creativity, her talent, enthusiasm and love of life, ability to adapt, her drive, and I could go on. But something that I have thought about lately, and would like to express more in my own life is the fearlessness demonstrated by Anne. She is not afraid to do what she feels is right, even though she may be punished, criticized or ridiculed. She also seems to have the courage to leap into the dark in order to experience a new adventure.

I feel like I used to express this more, but have lost some of my courage, or gained more fear. It is a process, this thing we call life. Every day is new, but can quickly be wasted in monotony and mindlessness. I would like to be full of life, enjoying experiences, and saying yes to opportunities. Perhaps I should read about my dear friend Anne to find inspiration. :)

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Good Omens

First of all, I have to admit that approximately 70% of the humor of this book was lost to me. I don't have the religious or historical background to fully appreciate its brilliance. That being said, I very much enjoyed the journey this book took me on. A mockery and tale of the apocalypse, demons, angels, witches, witch-hunters, and all the mortals that lie between them. Not my favorite book of all time, but worth the read.

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Addictions

So, I am not a huge video game player. I have dabbled with them throughout my youth. Mostly on long summer days, and when my brother miraculously invited me to duel him. I usually did not get very far; would beat a handful of levels, and then die, get frustrated, and do something else. A nice book, or perhaps a movie. However, there are a few games that once I start playing, I become something of an addict for a varying period of time. Three to be exact. In chronological order:

Age of Empires II

I like farming, building civilizations, and towns, and occasionally war. I don't usually play this game to destroy the enemy, though, admittedly, this is very fun to do every now and again. My favorite is playing this game with other people that I know. My brother, when I was dating/married my first husband we played with his friends, my friends, my step-dad, the works. 

Yoshi's Story

This was my second addiction. I actually beat this game, and I think it may be the only Nintendo game that I have beaten, every level, or in this case page, and nearly every level on every page. The sounds and graphics are perhaps a little juvenile, but I am not ashamed to admit that I am a big fan of this game. Very fun, but for me, something of an amateur, still challenging. 

Plants vs Zombies

This is my most recent addiction, discovered in the past month or so. The premise of this game is stupidly simple. You have plants, you plant them. Zombies attack, and you have to use plants to fight them off. But, I have played this game for hours on multiple occasions. I sucks me in! I say one more level, and then ten levels later, I am telling myself that this will be the last level I do, and then I am taking a break. And... you get the picture. I am sure the initial obsession will weaken with time. But I feel very silly every time I have "wasted" three hours playing this game. 

Images obtained from here, here and here.
[note, more for me than for anyone reading, but I had planned to post this yesterday, but then had issues with acquiring internet access... one of those things, do you best, and don't be to hard on yourself when your best is "less."]

Crush

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, 

it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

— Albert Einstein

I have a crush, admiration, obsession with this man! I wonder if we would have connected at all face to face, or if his greatest relationships are those with the parts of his mind we have recorded. At any rate, a brilliant man on multiple levels, and a source of inspiration that always seems to pop up when I need it. Thank you, Albert, my heart melts with gratitude for you. 


Picture obtained here.

Bird

flapping wildly
chaotic
out of control
frenetic
just to gain a few feet of air


but the view is worth it


and how else will I learn how to glide?

A Creative Companion

I was hooked in and delighted by this book! Every page is a special treasure of simple but powerful inspiration for artist, writers, but really for anyone looking to live life to the fullest. A book, that before it begins has a list entitled "How to be an Artist," and is followed by ideas such as: "learn to watch snails... swing as high as you can on a swingset, by moonlight...refuse to "be responsible"...believe in magic. laugh a lot...draw on walls...giggle with children...hug trees. write love letters." The cure all for anyone experiencing drudgery, monotony and boredom with their days. This book does not take long to read, at all, and I know I will be reading it again very soon!

image retrieved from: http://covers.openlibrary.org/w/id/687780-L.jpg

Character Crush

So, my most recent indulgence in a silly show was a mild obsession with "Drop Dead Diva," in which I developed a crush on the character Tony. *Sigh* He is dreamy. The problem with a character, is that they are not that person in real life, so it is crushing on an imaginary person. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this. David Denman is a beautiful guy, at least I think so, but I have only seen him in a silly chick flick. Ridiculous. I suppose I have the opportunity to see other films and shows he has been in. Would that only deepen the childish infatuation. I think crushes are good though. Fun to have sometimes. But, usually they are more fun when there is an opportunity to actualize on personal experiences. What do you think about crushes. Who do you crush on? Famous and non famous? 


image retrieved from: http://image.com.com/tv/images/processed/default/0d/6b/323141.jpg

Train of Thought

who I am
does it matter 
or 
who I think I am
or
what I do


what I do to you
a balloon, full of helium
rising, rising, rising
until too high


then the slow death


is it painful
it hurts me
it liberates me
we are both free


I want to be naked
completely exposed
all of the layers
to you
but I cannot


me or you
does it matter
who I am
or 
who you think I am


I am naked


wearing socks
and a scarf
a necklace, gloves
a raincoat, just in case
poncho for warmth
summer dress for style
over the poncho, naturally


but my eyes, 
you can see in there
if I let you look at them
perhaps long enough
my heart and soul
I will be naked
with all of my clothes on


I will just be
with you
naked
me


please take my clothes off
please look in my eyes
see through the shenanigans
breathe
bend
open
stretch
move
apart and then together
we are doing the same dance
we always have been
just never found the right partner, until


MAGIC

Magical Moment

Sun dancing through the trees. A tea party in a backyard garden, surrounded by a hundred dancing grasshoppers, and gazed upon by more flower faces. Beautiful people, beautiful conversation. Fairies greeting and singing with our souls. I was transplanted into a magical world, where anything was possible.


I am grateful for the lovely host, and random appearance and reappearance as a character in the drama of my life. For her invitation, smile and light. 


I am grateful for grasshoppers. As a child I would watch them, chase them, catch them, but most of all I would leap with them. My brother would shoot them with BB guns. Bless his heart. Silly boys. Random facts, gracias to wikipedia: Female grasshoppers are often larger than males, and have shorter ovipositors (tubular organ through which eggs are deposited). There are more than 11,000 species of grasshoppers. I am pulled back to a time of fairy tales, the grasshopper and the ant, and the sense of antiquity that arises when one gazes upon the creatures. 


I am grateful for flowers, their smiling faces and personalities enriching an afternoon and a life. Their colors and aromas connecting us back to the divine. I am reminded of the "Flower Sermon," by Buddha, in which he gazed upon a flower. One spectator understood, and was enlightened. They are a channel, a vortex. Flowers are incredible, in their adaptations and ways of interacting with the world and the creatures they encounter. Their hardiness and determination to bloom. They are one of the embellishments that completes a life. 


It was a good day. 

Personal Musings

So, I have just begun a new blog. Soon to be filled with new ideas, links, goals, stories, and more. But now it is sad and empty. This first post is something of a new beginning, setting affirmations and plans for the future. I love the idea of setting daily, weekly, monthly, and annual goals. Keeping in mind that in working towards these, I will do my best everyday, and not beat myself up for not being perfect, or constantly becoming better. 


I have just re-read "The Four Agreements," by Miguel Ruiz. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. 


In addition to working on these, I have the following personal goals:

• Meditate. Twice a day. Twenty minutes each.
• Do yoga. At least a sun salutation daily.
• Write three pages, train of thought, daily.
• Blog daily.
• Be naked outside, at least one hour a week.
• Stargaze one night a week. 
• Read a new book, weekly, or bi-weekly.
• Paint or draw, at least twice a week. 

I would like to be open to the pushes and pulls of the universe in guiding me where I am to be. I would like to reconnect with former lives, and with the divine within myself. And I would like to play. Smiling, having fun, joking. Life is wonderful.